When I think about what my goal is as an early childhood educator and as a parent of young children, I often think about the attributes I encounter with adults and what I would like my children to exude in the future. For me, and probably for many, I would like my children (biological and students) to become confident, resilient, caring, curious and independent individuals. Now comes the big question, how do we get there? 

Teaching children about choice and consequence is key. In building confidence, resilience, curiosity, and independence children must first make mistakes and learn from them. They must take risks and see what happens. They must face challenges and learn from their setbacks. In building kindness and empathy, children must learn how their choices and actions affect others. They must do all of this even if it makes them uncomfortable; especially when it makes them uncomfortable. For adults, this is the hardest part. In an interview, psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen stated “You want kids to make mistakes, and you want them to pay the consequences so they learn agency…It’s hard, you have to have the big picture in mind, and the long game in mind…if I do too much I am robbing them of their self-esteem, of their sense of responsibility and agency. And that is a disaster you just don’t want¹”

Let’s look at some definitions.

Accountability²: the quality or state of being accountable…willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions

Empathy³: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another

Excuse⁴: a: to make apology for. b: to try to remove blame from

There is no doubt that balancing empathy and accountability can be tricky. During our community meeting in October, we discussed some barriers that families have encountered. 1. Parents who are not of the same mind either of what is acceptable behavior from the child or of the consequences from such behavior. 2. Consistency with limits and consequences, especially when big feelings become involved. 3. Knowing what are age appropriate expectations, limits and consequences. 4. Understanding the differences between punishment and logical consequence. 5. Knowing when you as a parent should step in. 

While we certainly don’t have the answers to all of these, here are a few tips we think may help.

1. 
   Have weekly family meetings. If your child is really young, perhaps these meetings are with you and your partner to check in and make sure you are on the same page.
2. Parents need to present a united front when implementing limits and consequences. 
3. Recognizing that it is acceptable for children to experience strong emotions but this does not mean that their upset feelings excuse them from taking responsibility for their actions. As Dr. Aliza Pressman states, “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.”
4. Teaching children boundaries is essential! “No, you may not jump on the bed” is perfect for a toddler. As children get older, they may require a bit more of the why. “No, you may not jump on the bed because if you fall you can hurt yourself.” 
5. You should not repeat a boundary endlessly. Once a child knows the boundary we must follow through with the consequence. For example, on day 1 “Please pick up your toys when you are done. If toys are not picked up, I will have to take them away for a while.” Day 2. “Remember, toys that are not picked up will be taken away.” (child doesn’t clean up toys) “It looks like these toys were not picked up, now I am going to take them away.”
6. The fundamental difference between a punishment and a consequence is that a punishment is meant to make a person feel bad or guilty while a consequence generally is meant to allow for a person to learn from their mistakes. Using the above example of a child who does not clean up their toys. A punishment might be something like. “If you don’t clean up your toys you will not have dessert.” Punishment is often unrelated to the behavior whereas a logical consequence is an outcome of the behavior. 
7. Observe! Allow your child the opportunity to recognize a mistake and think about solutions. When the situation escalates to a point where safety is at risk, emotions are overwhelming for the child, or when the child is clearly unable to identify or implement a solution on their own then parents should step in to help regulate the child and help guide them to a solution. Ask yourself:
8. Is this my own anxiety, am I telling a story to myself
9. Is this about me, or is it an issue my child is having

In conclusion, fostering qualities like confidence, resilience, empathy, and independence in children is a nuanced and ongoing process. It requires a balance of teaching accountability while also allowing children the space to make mistakes, learn from them, and face consequences. As parents and educators, it's vital to remember that while children need to experience discomfort and challenges, they also need consistent boundaries and support to develop a sense of responsibility and agency. The key is to remain patient, reflective, and unified in your approach, understanding that mistakes and strong emotions are part of the learning journey. By combining empathy with accountability, we can help our children grow into well-rounded, thoughtful individuals who understand the impact of their actions, both for themselves and for others.

1https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avx4Ww9h3Tc

2. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/accountability

3. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/empathy

4. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/excuse

5. Pressman, Aliza. The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your essential Guide to Raising Good Humans